Periodically, I think about my blog site, sitting lonely without a new post from me and all my avid followers wondering where I've been. Just kidding :). But, I do think from time to time that I need to get out my thoughts and sometimes it just gets so hard to sit down and write. That fact in itself tells me that I'm not doing what I promised and taking some time for me. Writing is therapeutic and always has been for me. And I, at this very moment and for the past few months, need some therapy. In September, my aunt, my favorite aunt, the one who I felt was a kindred spirit and like a best friend left this earth unexpectedly. I have yet to deal with that fact.
I just kind of went on with life. And, though I think about how shocked and in disbelief I am, I move on with my routine and continue on with my day, never really coming to terms with the fact that she is gone and I will NEVER see her, nor talk to her again. I am old enough and wise enough to know that you don't question God or his decisions, but there's an imperfect and naive part of me that asks the question "why?" My aunt was 56 years old, a baby in my book, and in seemingly good health. She had a heart attack and quickly passed on. So sudden, too quick.
But the sadness that I feel comes more from the fact that she and I had just reconnected. My aunt had gone through a state of depression in about 2004 when she had to leave her job because of recurring back and neck pain and get on disability. Unfortunately, this huge transition made it hard for her to face family. At the time she lived in California and began to not return phone calls and emails to the point that most of us realized, "Well, I guess she'll call when she's ready." We were certain she was at least "ok" because my grandmother was the one person whose calls she knew she had to answer. Grandma relayed to us that she was fine. She sometimes told my grandmother to tell me hi, and my grandmother also told me that my aunt admitted that she felt badly that she hadn't talked to me. But still my phone calls went unanswered.
I eventually realized I had to give her some space and allow her time to contact me when she was ready. In the summer of 2010, I was blessed with the opportunity to attend a five day conference in Long Beach, California. Unbeknownst to me the conference was an intense 8 a.m. to 10 p.m. ordeal. On my second day, I received a phone call from a California number and it never occurred to me that it would be her. Yet, it was my aunt calling, because she heard I was in town and she had come to a point where it was easier to reach out to family. She began to tell me how sorry she was because she felt like she had let me down as well as my mother to whom she had promised she'd be there for me. I humbly told her it was ok and that I was just so elated to be talking to her. Because of my busy schedule I quickly had to go, but I was in a euphoric haze that day knowing that the "Thelma" to my "Louise" was back in my life.
For the next several months we kept in touch and then I got the news that my aunt was moving back home to Arkansas to be closer to my grandmother. That Christmas we saw each other for the first time in years and it was fabulous. We laughed and cried and the one woman who I felt understand all of my fears, dreams, and aspirations as well as my stress and obstacles was there for me and I in turn was there for her. In February of that next year, I called on her to talk me through a very tough time and she was there like I remembered. My aunt always had somewhat of a spiritual presence in my life. She was able to talk me through a situation, and without telling me what to do, make things clearer for me to make informed decisions. Her relationship with God was immeasurable and her love for the Lord contagious. She started texting me scriptures and sweet inspirational quotes and she always brightened my day with her giddy disposition. She left no situation in a funk. Whatever she touched was better than it was before she arrived.
She was home in Arkansas for nine months when she went home to her father. I, along with another one of my aunts, believe that she came home to say goodbye to us all. If that's the case, I am so happy that I got that opportunity. She was also able to reconnect, even if for a short time with all of her children except one during that time period. I am confident that those opportunities gave her pleasure and probably closure. My other aunt and I also believe that she knew she was sick and as angry and upset as we are to not have known so that we could try to help her, we understand that she probably felt that her time here was coming to an end.
We don't know how long we have here and we don't know if the last time we see someone will ultimately be the last time. I am blessed to have known such a beautiful, spiritual, and enlightening woman, Patricia Ann Harris.
As I am sitting here getting these tough thoughts and realizations out of my head I acknowledge that I am dealing with the fact that she is gone. And I also acknowledge that it will take time-time to heal, time to understand, and time to grow. Fortunately, my aunt had planted those seeds in my well before she left this earth. She taught me to call on God and give him my desires and fears so that I can understand what is needed to heal, understand and ultimately grow. Remembering her teachings is how I deal.
