A New Outlook...on an old problem

Work. Exertion or effort directed to produce or accomplish something; labor; toil.

I've been working very hard for as long as I can remember and I'm tired.Why have I been working so hard? Because I want to help people. That's not good enough. Well, it is important to help people, but not at the expense of yourself.

I've been thinking long and hard on how much I do for others. Don't get me wrong I'm not turning over a new leaf to be selfish but I'm starting to see that "Can you..." rolls off people's tongues very easily the more I do for them and the more they see me do for others. Even when I'm in the midst of doing something this sly smile comes over their faces when they say "do you think you could do one more thing?" Really, REALLY! And don't even get me started on the people around me who do not do anything and it NEVER dawns on the begging idiot to ask that person over there twiddling those lazy thumbs. So...

Ive decided...

It's back to being about me. I have not worked out. I have not went grocery shopping. I have not done much of anything that wasn't sorority based, job based, or for someone else in a long time. Even spending time with my family gets put to the side when I have too much going on.

I recently lost my righT to watch cable...yeah I'm gonna pay that bill one day. But having that free time--especially since we went digital and all I get is snow--I've picked up a book that sits near my bed and for the most part collects dust. The Bible. I've enjoyed reading it and analyzing it. It's a blessing to have time to get closer to the only word that will protect me, see me through and comfort me.

I want to be able to walk slowly and smell the flowers, heck I want to plant the flowers. I want to be able to not just clean up but dust and shine and water plants so they won't look and feel just as dead as I've been feeling. The hustle and bustle of life should not consume and neither should being nice enough to do for others. First, I must do for me. That's my plan and I'm sticking to it...I hope.

Another one bites the dust...

Wow...so I'm on the road to rediscovering the concept of dating. Really enjoyed it to until ^%&%**# BAM!!!!!! WE HIT A BRICK WALL!

WTF! What happened? Why does it always seem like I'm the last to know that it wasn't going well. Didn't we just have a nice flirty and cute conversation? So why all of a sudden do I get a cold shoulder...short conversation and emotionless texts.

I have had about enough.

As I started aging, I realized that what I wanted in life I was only going to receive if I opened my mouth. So even though I was shy (some of my friends don't believe this!) and sometimes an introvert who found it hard to voice my opinions, I started speaking up. And despite my extreme fear of rejection I starting telling the opposite sex, "I like you. I want to see you again to see where this could go." Now, it didn't always work but I felt progress. Isn't that the ultimate goal you'd like to achieve with age--progress? So why do the "gentlemen" I find myself dealing with lack progress or even a clear and strong voice to admit how they feel and be honest with me. I am starting to question myself and I guess that's okay. Any person who seeks personal growth should. But, I'm a little afraid of the answer I might find...